Thursday, June 25, 2015

The Top Ten Reasons I Hate Dealing with Grief

My brother JR died on April 28, 2015. I was heading into a restaurant, meeting my husband and his friends for dinner when I got a message from Facebook. "Aunt Z call me immediately". I went on to the table and showed Hunnybunny, excused myself to the sidewalk so I could hear. Then learned that my brother had died in his sleep. He went down for a nap and did not wake up.
I have no words for all that went through me after that. He raised me after my dad passed when I was no more than a year old. He had been sick this past year, and I had gone to see him in January when he was in rehab. Being a nurse actually helped because I was able to relate to my sister-in-law what was happening to him. JR rallied, came home, and talked to me on the phone the week before he died. It's just surreal....
I was called in to my supervisor's office yesterday. She was worried about me. I thought, "Had my work slacked?" but no, my work ethic wasn't in question. She just mentioned how tired and worried I looked. I told her I was having a hard time with JR's death. That same day, my attending doctor asked what was wrong. She hadn't heard about his death, and hugged me. Being a psychologist, she gave me some tools to start the actual grieving process. So, I sit before you today, blogging about what's going on in my head. Top ten lists are my typical way of using humor to make a point, I'm going to use them today to talk about my grief.

The Top Ten Reasons I Hate Dealing with Grief.

10. I don't feel like I have the right. My sister-in law was with my brother since they were 13. They were together almost 50 years. He was in my life consistently until I was 7. In comparison, there is no comparison.
9.   It shows up at unexpected and inconvenient times. So, I'm sitting there telling my sleep apnea doctor I didn't actually lose just 8 pounds, I lost 20. I put 12 back on after April. When she asked if anything happened, that's when I lost it. A complete stranger and I'm crying like an idiot.
8. My boys have never seen me like this. The Legal Adult is at a complete loss as to what to say, not say. He deals with my pain by not talking about it.
7.  My husband is trying to make me feel better.  Hunnybunny is the greatest. But he is trying way too hard to "fix my grief". Right now, I don't want to feel better. I just want to be.
6. Nothing seems as much fun anymore. I just don't have the will to do anything but work and come home. My birthday is this weekend, and I was asked what I wanted to do. NOTHING came to mind.
5. You wonder how much of this new attitude is grief and how much is just where you are in your life. Currently, I can't tell the difference. Am I just over 50 and "over it"? Or am I just grieving?
4. You begin letting your life fall apart. Goals you were working on just don't seem that important anymore. You let your health habits go because you don't see the point, you're going to die, anyway.
3. You become jealous of people who still have key members of their family. And as a result, you start harassing your significant other to call their family because they don't know how long they will have them.
 2. You beat yourself up for not going to see them more. Trips where you were in the same state during the holidays and you could have fought to go see them instead of your inlaws. One Christmas morning, however, I did leave and spent it with my brother. I will never apologize for wanting to go see my family.
1. You feel like an orphan. When my mom died, I had a taste of this. But when JR died, it came home full throttle. I've never felt like this, where I didn't feel like I had a family anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent.